Preparing for Travel

There are so many questions posted on a forum I belong to about, "Hey, we got the call - what do we need in order to travel?" I too, posted that post before we traveled to get our kids. Many people gave helpful, serious advice. I decided to bring some humor into it...SO to D, R and T (if you read this)...I hope you enjoy! I am sure there could be so many added to the list, but my eyes are crossing, so off to bed I go!

How can I prepare to travel to...(the country we went to)?

1. Sit in the a/c for 8 hours, having it blow right into your face. All the while have your shower running full blast with only hot water, door closed. At the end of 8 hours, run directly to your bathroom, close the door behind you and turn the hair dryer on full blast/full heat and aim directly at you face. That's what it feels like walking off the plane.

2. Rent the video game Frogger. You'll need the skill if you hope to cross any street.

3. Let raw meat and onions fester in a garbage bag for a month. Open bag and breath deeply w/o throwing up. Repeat often to build up tolerance.

4. Go to a hotel, practice asking the "neighbors" to borrow their showers cause yours doesn't work. And shower without getting any water in your mouth or eyes.

5. Shower with your legs 3 feet apart. Pretending that there is a hole in the middle of the shower's floor that is draining all your water into the room below. (oh, wait - was that one true??)

6. Replace your shower head with your kitchen sprayer.

7. Take a shower, once your hair is fully lathered, have someone turn off your electricity for the rest of the night. Good luck getting the shampoo out without water.

8. Ever time you need water to wash your hands, look for a random person to bring it to you.

9. Go on an eating extravaganza for a month. Eat every meal til you puke. Then eat nothing for a week. At the hottest time of the day, on the 8th day, make a meal of rice, the hottest peppers you've ever tasted and mix in some small bones for flavor...enjoy. At first you will convince yourself that it tastes really good. By day 5, you'll be lucky to get it down. By day 9, you'll be lucky if it stays down.

10. Start organizing your lunches by color: green, red or brown. All is spicy, all has bones.

11. The next time your kids have the "runny tummy" shut off your water, remove all disinfectants and have fun cleaning it up!

12. Take your clothes (even the under ones) to the nearest muddy creek. Drop clothes into water, beat them off a jagged rock and rinse in same water. Really stretch them out. Hang to dry in a very public place.

13. Take yours and your 3 closest neighbors clothes and redistribute them between the three of you, make a game out of who's clothes belong to whom.

14. Go to a tiny sauna, and crank up the steam. When someone comes in, sit right next to them - so you're sitting right on top of them. Enjoy sharing each other's sweat.

15. Get 15 of your closest friends, no make that total strangers you met on the bus today, pile them all into an old station wagon that runs on diesel. Then take the exhaust from the diesel pipe and run it directly into the car. Now go sit in rush hour traffic in NYC. It only truly works if you have small children who then have to pee.

16. Shove cotton balls in your ears and have conversations with people. It will give you the feel of know that people are speaking the same language as you, but having absolutely no clue what they are saying! This also humbles you to have to ask people to repeat themselves again and again...until the inevitable, "I said....."

17. Go to the inner city, randomly pick a health clinic from the phone book. Find it by only asking people where it is (remember #16). Once you finally find the clinic, get blood drawn by the guy w/o gloves.

18. Pretend to be a ghost. Because you are white, that's what people think you are. Get used to screaming babies...they'll be terrified of you!

19. Drink a gallon of water and hold it. Condition your bladder to hold an amazing amount of water for a long time. OR your other option is to practice relieving yourself in very public places...your choice.

20. Tape an index card on your head that reads, "answer all my questions with the phrase, 'soon.'" Then go around asking people really serious questions, enjoy their response. It's the only one you'll get over there.

21. While in the inner city, walk down a street of the city where no one else looks like you...try to blend in and not look conspicuous. And if you are really brave, take 2 others that look like you with a child that looks like everyone else - practice blending!

22. Practice sleeping in the heat of the summer with a/c off and windows closed with the covers on to shield you from the bugs.

23. Gather mosquitoes and other biting bus, put them in a bag, tie it around your food. Now start praying for protection, because it is only God that can save you from all the "things" that can kill you!

24. Just in case you get malaria and need treatment, go to the local livestock suppliers and buy a needle that they use to inject medicines into animals. Use these to administer medication to yourself. You'll need the practice so that you don't bleed all over the place when the size of these needles are driven into your body to save your life.

25. Shut off all electricity. Set your alarm to go off at 7pm. When this goes off, turn on the electricity and start the countdown to an unspecified time. RUN back to your room...plug in your phone, computer, and iPod to charge. Jump into the shower of choice - bathe, bathe the kids, and jump out (who really even needs hot water). Who knows how long the electricity will stay on this time!

26. Every time you get an unusual bump, ask the person beside you, "is this scabies?" Get used to the sheer terror of their response. Then start comparing bumps.

27. Find creative ways to prepare random animal parts. That way you're not so grossed out when they are served for dinner.

28. Ask your neighbor to not change their sheets for 3 weeks, after the 3 weeks, neatly put them on your bed as if they were freshly washed.

29. Find a pasture that is full of cow patties. Close your eyes and spin in a circle 10 times. Open your eyes and start walking. Avoid stepping in anything squishy. This will prepare you to walk on the streets and on the beach.

30. Wearing flip-flops walk through a land fill.

31. Practice squatting inconspicuously, just in case of emergencies - never know where you'll be when the gurgling begins and you might be thanking yourself that you built up those muscles before hand.

32. Dunk 1/2 of each roll of TP in brown water. When using it to wipe, avoid using anything brown. Go on a "square by square basis."

33. Don't use TP anywhere but at home. Instead, work on shaking or becoming really good at digging in a backpack while on your back while squatting for a tissue of some sort.

34. Half way through every meal, go to the bathroom with a child with a "runny tummy." You might want that bag from #3 so you can have the full smell effect too. Repeating all the while, "they must've swallowed the rice whole." (I won't further explain why you should do that one) Then resume your meal as if nothing happened.


The bottom line is, you can never be fully prepared to enter a 3rd world country. I was terrified. Everyone who knows me, knew that I was beyond terrified to go. BUT God, gave me peace that surpassed all understanding. And I actually enjoyed my experience. I would even go back. So take my hints lightheartedly...I love to look back and laugh at what God challenged me to do!